Living in/with Pain, Always and Forever?

Good Saturday, everyone! Hope and pray you're all doing well.

How am I doing? Not good, my dear folks and friends. I'm still having back spasms, despite being on prescribed pain medication and bed rest for a couple of days now. In bed resting my back is what my body needs at this time. When in upright position for a long time, an hour or more, I feel so uneasy and uncomfortable. Yes, I can't tolerate standing or sitting for a period of time. Gravity and lots of movement somehow aggravate my condition. Lower back pain and back spasms continue and I feel so helpless that I have to resort to prescribed pain medication to help me. Having this intense recurring chronic lower back pain, I feel as if I re-injured my bad back again, especially my lumbar down to sacrum area. As of now, I haven't been to the doctor/hospital for check up. I'm still observing my condition. If I were to go to the hospital, I would surely have MRI/X-ray of my lumbar spine, which I haven't had for a year or two?

Living in/with pain is not a laughing matter, my dear folks and friends. Especially if you have degenerative discs disease (DDD) and degenerative joint disease (DJD), and herniated discs, like yours truly. Fyi, I have had seven invasive procedures done on my lower back way back in 2002. I have had physical therapy, and even chiropractic sessions done including acupuncture of my lower back. I have had temporary relief from these sessions. But later on, the lower back pain became so chronic and unbearable. Tingling and excruciating to the point that I have had sciatica. Even with ongoing intake of prescribed pain medications and no heavy lifting of things (over ten pounds), and strenuous exercise, I admit I have had good days and bad. There have been moments that I feel so helpless and hapless. But I never lose hope, even if my lower back has been "damaged." At first, it was so difficult for me to accept the fact that I'm already disabled, physically. Eventually, I accepted my condition and that I belong to this group of disabled or people with disability. It was tough and difficult for me to take, I tell you guys. From the outside, I look good especially when I go to church dressed up. People don't only know. But the reality is, I'm damaged physically, internally. My lower back is bad or diseased. That's why I retired from work early unexpectedly.

Surgery, you say? My orthopedic surgeon, when I was still US Navy active duty, initiated the move for me to retire permanently after a couple of years of being on limited light duty at work. He said, eventually, that surgery is not an option in my case. Why? Because those invasive procedures didn't help me at all. My condition got worst. Because my back has already been damaged and to do surgery will do more harm than good. If he recommended me for surgery, I would be having second thought, too. Will I be paralyzed if something went wrong on the surgery? That's a possibility. I still have in my possession my wooden cane, back braces, and that TENS unit. Mind you, I've had moments of feeling so humiliated or stigmatized each time people saw me with my cane, or with a back brace. And I'm not that too old yet to be using these orthopedic devices or equipment. But I have had to, to help me function. But then, in addition to having DDD/DJD of my lower back, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia that up to now is ongoing. So, I ask myself, each time, this question; will I be living in/with pain for the rest of my life? Only our gracious and loving God knows! But the reality is that pain is a part of life which I've already accepted it. This has been my case since I retired from work. As I've said, I have good days and bad. I have had fits and moments of unpleasant emotions and thoughts. My faith, complemented by prayer, is the one that's keeping me alive and going. Despite the pain I've been having, I thank God that I'm still alive. Thank you, Jesus.

Did I expect to be like this? To be physically disabled? Not at all! I have had plans before...to continue working after retirement from the military service, to probably teach, like my wife, in a public middle/high school because at that time, after retirement in 2005, I've got also my teaching license, with endorsement in English, K-12. But I learned as I continue living that there are plans in life that, even you've made/set them for you to do in the future, don't materialize. So, what matters to me at this time is to live life in the present moment well, without any regret or reservation at all. That's it.

This is all for now and until next time around. Take care and have a peaceful and wonderful weekend, everyone! As always, I pray, "May God bless us all!-chris a. quilpa, 04 May 2013

Chronic Pain (Recurring) on Presidents' Day

Good Monday, everyone! Today is Presidents' Day in the US of A. It's a holiday, for those observing it. Why did I say this? It's because there are school systems, colleges and universities that don't observe this day. Hence, there are students who have school or classes today. Not my wife, though. Her school, where she has been teaching Chemistry for over a decade, observes this holiday. But she has to leave the house, this morning past eight, nevertheless, with our daughter Tintin (who didn't leave for D-ville yesterday) to a dental appointment. On the other hand, the elementary school playground by our backyard is so quiet today. No cars parked on the lot, except the school building, some leafless trees, and houses around, and a bright, blue sky and the sun. No one at the school premises. Not even the Canadian geese that frequent the area. Not today, though. What an amazing view outside from our bedroom! So peaceful and quiet the surrounding is! Now this is what I call serenity? I guess so. Thank God! It's an awesome and beautiful day today! I have nothing to complain but to be thankful for what I have, what I see, what I feel, what I think, what I believe...

I, on the other hand, have just risen from bed due to "head" (Navy parlance or terminology) or restroom call. Mind you, I have had a difficulty getting up from bed due to chronic back pain problems. (I know, it's acting up again---my physical disability or condition that debilitates me, at times, and robs me of trying to enjoy life.) Plus my joints all over are so sore and so is my head, kinda light-headed, too. My hips are acting up, too! They're painful. Even when I attempt to stretch my whole body. OMG, help me to bear the pain and agony! It's that feeling again that my spine and hips are kinda coming/pulling apart from each other! But what can I do but to try to manage it (fibromyalgia, DDD and DJD) in such a way that I don't get depressed. I hate to be depressed! I don't like it. Despite having chronic pain and fatigue all over my body, almost daily, this is one thing that I always try to avoid---being depressed (and hopeless)! I set my mind to have a positive attitude, as much as I can. And one thing that helps me, though, is praying, like praying and meditating the Holy Rosary. That's what I just did while still lying in bed this morning. (Likewise, I need to take a pain reliever medicine, too, to stabilize my condition.)

Suffering is a part of life; I've known and experienced it for years. I don't feel like recalling or going/looking back at my past life, at this time, in which I encountered/experienced hardships and suffering. They're too painful to recall and recollect. But I would say, in all honesty and reality, that sacrifice and suffering are human experiences. And we all know that they are universal. In all parts of the world, there are people, like me, who are suffering, and sacrificing, for others. Because life is not fair to/for all of us, we have to experience suffering and sacrifice. Wow, where did I go now? I've been ranting/rambling again, huh?Alright, let me continue "documenting" with my feeling/condition today.

Well, as soon as I've taken my regular morning medicine (for lowering/stabilizing high blood pressure), I decided to write this post to somehow capture my feelings today. I'm okay, btw. I'm hanging in there, and trying to manage my chronic pain. (I know, this is minute or nothing compared to what Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, and Redeemer has suffered.) I'm thankful to God, our Heavenly Father, that I'm alive and good.

Wow, Freny and Tintin are back home from their dental appointment! Unbelievable! Tintin has just had her teeth cleaned and Freny her problem tooth fixed, in a matter of not even an hour since they left the house? That's incredible! Amazing! That's quick (excellent) service! Btw, I think, it's about time for my cleaning, too. It's been six months since the last check up and cleaning. I'll find out if I can call the dental clinic and schedule for an appointment sometime today for next week or so.

Well, this is all for now, my dear folks and friends. Until next time around. Take care and have a nice day, everyone! And, Happy Presidents' Day, too! As always, I pray, "May God bless us all!-chris a. quilpa, 18February2013

Episodes of Pain at NEX/Commissary Today

Good day, everyone! How are you guys doing on this pleasant Wednesday? How's the weather in your area? Mild temperature is what we have over here in 757. Though it's sunny all around, we're also having a windy day today! Gusty, at times. Other than that, we're doing alright. Thank you, God. And thank you, Jesus!

This morning, past eight, I decided to go to NEX/Commissary because I wanted to buy one of the home items (Aroma rice cooker) sale they have starting today. I arrived there just in time for their opening of the NEX store at nine. I asked one of the sales representatives if they carry that item that I'd like to purchase. He said they don't, but suggested I have to go to NOB/NAVSTA in Norfolk where they carry the said item. I would be fooling myself if I don't admit that I was a little disappointed! That's true. But, what can I do but to accept the fact that they don't have that item there. One more thing that added up to my "disappointment" was that I couldn't use that five dollar coupon I have for a SIM card for my camera because of a different code on the coupon. Besides, they don't carry that SIM card item that's supposed to match with my coupon. What they have in store doesn't have that HD (High Definition) feature.

Driving to Norfolk, by myself, is too much (or not good) for me, especially if I have some medical conditions that prevents me from traveling long distances. That's why I scraped off (from my mind) that idea for me to buy those sale items I mentioned above. That's okay, I said to myself. No big deal. Instead, I found myself buying some tubes of toothpaste which I carried with me on my way to a Subway restaurant for breakfast. There, I had that breakfast combo (bacon, egg and cheese with a cup of coffee with cream and sugar). Mind you, I was their very first customer. As always, I gave a dollar tip to the young lady who made my sandwich. (I've been trying to do that each time we eat there. If there are two people who prepared our sandwiches, I give each one dollar, and tell them "it's for your soda.")

After breakfast, I walked out my way to the Commissary and bought groceries. I tell you, I began to experience back ache/spasms while filling up my cart with stuff to buy, i.e., bags of vegetable salad, meat products, canned goods, orange juice, frozen pizza and cakes and chocolate bars, etc. Man, I tell you, my lower back pain is getting intense as I paced myself slowly from isle to isle. The back spasm continues and has become unbearable that I had to ask someone to help me to load in another cart four cases of bottled water. Thankfully, I have had someone, a grocery bagger, who pushed the two carts of groceries all the way out to our van in the parking lot. As always, I gave two dollars to the helper and thanked her for helping me load my groceries.

Arriving home, I slowly unload my groceries one bag at a time. I left those four cases of bottled water still in the trunk of our van. I've got to compose myself and if I feel better, I may or may not bring them inside the house. But as of this time, I just couldn't do it. (I know, I can't afford to re-injure my back. Not again, please, Lord! (The truth is, I'm not supposed to be carrying heavy things or exerting efforts that jeopardize my "damaged" lower back (spine) that has caused my permanent disability.) God, help me to bear my chronic lower back pain, especially when it hurts so much that the spasms are unbearable! Help me, Jesus, to relieve my pain. Thank you.

Upstairs in our bedroom, after eating a banana, I took one pain medication ( a muscle relaxant) and placed one Lidoderm patch on my lower back. And here I am sitting on a chair on my bedside while doing this blog post. Trying to manage my pain (it has subsided a little bit), I'll be lying down in bed after posting this.

Well, this is all for now. Until next time around. Thanks for your time. Take care. Have a nice day, everyone!-chris a. quilpa, 28March2012